~just another brick in the wall – it’s life, not lyrics~

Posted: October 25, 2012 in Just Me
Tags: , , , , ,

Do we just keep letting them pile on the bricks? Can they ever be trusted again? How many bricks – till the wall shuts people completely out? Like bricks in a wall form a barrier or even a perimeter of protection, we build walls to protect our hearts. Every time someone hurts us we add another brick to “our wall”. We start out with trust then it’s betrayed. In go the bricks. Up goes the wall. We find a way to forgive again. A little more trust is reluctantly given. But….AGAIN….we get hurt…and by the SAME person. Another & another brick goes in as we desperately attempt to protect our hearts from any more damage. We wonder if we’ll ever trust again. It’s a sad & empty feeling – like no one can be trusted. Time passes & we choose to give only an ounce of trust to one person – risking everything we have left of our broken hearts, praying it turns out differently this time. Meanwhile that other person, who supplied the bricks, that started the wall, continuously tries to include him/herself in our lives. How dare they! Yet they want another chance but a chance at what? We don’t know unless we allow them back in. Do we dare?
But…on the flip side…Are the bricks protecting us from the ones who keep hurting us or keeping us from the ones who want to treat us right? It’s a risk no less! Do we shut all people out or let some in? Do we keep our wall up & remain sad & empty or remove a brick, one at a time, BUT only for those who’ve never hurt us….yet?
I know! There are two famous quotes out there probably floating around your head right now: “it’s better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all” and “hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me.”
How do those apply here? Well, I don’t have all the answers for every unique situation but I do understand the walls & the risks. I do still believe, after all the various hurtful people in my life, the personal trust issues with betrayal & the love in my life, that IT’s, (trust),been worth it! No, I never wanted the hurtful parts but I do still have the good memories in spite of the hurt & yes! the bricks are still there more or less.

So, no matter how personal of a decision this is, remembering I’m no expert, take this from my personal experience:
1) Take the necessary time to mourn because it IS a loss.

2) Don’t go into self-destruct mode; it only hurts you & gives you even more to have to deal with in the end.

3) Surround yourself with positive friends & family who won’t try to persuade you either way right now.

4) Go ahead & set up some boundaries for that person but be prepared to change them later maybe.

5) Try to find a way to forgive them eventually because you can’t survive without it, whether you ever trust them again or not.

6) Being a child of God, I also have to keep reminding myself of God’s promises & who I am, to Him. One crucial promise is that He will never leave us & He can ALWAYS be trusted!!
None of us WANT to be hurt or betrayed but it is a risk we choose to take if we let people in our lives. We have to have other humans. Even the untrustworthy ones brought us something good…at one time or another…& yes, it will show you a strength you never knew you had – when one day you can look back & not cry. Take it from me – the tears do subside.

  1. Lisa says:

    My thoughts:
    Very strong, firm boundaries need to be in place for people who repeatedly violate our trust and cause harm to us. Removing them or altering them should be done so only after at least years of an obviously changed heart in the abuser. This has nothing to do with forgiveness. You can love and forgive someone who has committed a crime and is in prison, and at the same time still agree that they should remail in prison as a logical and neccessary consequence of the crime that was committed. The fact that you have forgiven and that you love them, does not mean they are now free to escape all consequences. So, boundaries that protect us are logical, just, and rightious and should cause us no guilt. NEVER confuse forgiveness with changing or removing boundaries. They are completely unrelated. Forgiveness has to do with what is happening in your heart. Changing or removing boundaries (levels of reconciliation) has to do with what has happened in your abuser’s heart.

    As far as deep hurt cuased by major figures in our lives (like relatives), it is difficult to get over and sometimes takes time. My strategy has been to allow God to replace the role in my life that my abuser should have held. God is my father. God is my mother. And I don’t mean spiritually only, though he is that. I mean he IS my earlthy father. He IS my earlthy mother. When ever I have the need for that relationship, I turn to him or to a godly man or woman he has placed in my life for that purpose (but always recognizing it is HE who is meeting that need.) He meets all those needs completley, perfectly and beautifully. If you truly let God fill the empty places your abuser has left, you will no longer feel a lacking because there will not be one. He fills my “God space” but also my “dad space” and my “mom space.” I have no earthly father and realized in my 20’s that I really never did. My biological father abused me my entire life and had no genuine love for me – only behaviors that allowed him to satisfy his own emotional and physical needs. This realization caused me an immeasurable amount of emotional pain – pain I thought I would never be able to get over. Yet, today, I feel little emotional pain from his betrayal. My entire young life is as if it happened to someone else. And even more important, if he were to come into my life again and atempt to abuse me in some way, there would be absolutely NO emotional pain as a result. He has been replaced. He is impotent in my life and will forever be. Even if, someday, we were to reconcile in some way, he would be competely unable to cause me hurt again. I am firmly in my true father’s arms. With Him as my rock, teacher, mother, father, comforter, leader, friend and Lord, a sad and pittiful, earthly man who once was a father figure to me, is now totally impotent to cause me harm. I am living a victorius life that does not include many thoughts about him at all. I am happy, healthy, and loved as a result of the fact that I am filled with my God’s Holy Spirit and have been transformed and renewed, a process that continues still. Do not let evil people continue to harm you. It is wrong of you to do so. You are too precious to your Heavenly Father and he does not want to see you in pain. Respect what He has done for you and what He promises to continue to do – to heal you, transform you, grow you up in His ways, and give you an abundant life filled with joy. You don’t need a wall of “bricks” around you and you don’t need to be so vulnerable to harmful people. You have Jesus. That is all you need. I am living proof.

    As far as everyday people in our lives that come and go and may disappiont us or hurt our feelings, this is to be expected. People are fallen and sinful. Expect, with out being cynical, that most people will, at some point, fail you. Forgive all, and hope to be forgiven for I’m sure you (as I do) disappoint and hurt others. But again, there is no need for you to be an open wound because of it. You are covered. Jesus is with you. When needed, erect appropriate boundaries to prevent further harm and also to satisfy a sense of justice. But this should not leave you “walled off.” Always be open to love. Remember, love should be for the benefit of the receiver anyway. We don’t love others for our own sake. We love them for their sake and to be able to share the love of Christ with them. If they don’t love us back perfectly in return, that is between them and God.

    I have a lot more to say about all this, believe it or not! But I’ll stop here. I hope this helped someone.

    • lhug143 says:

      Wow! Words of truth spoken from a very wise Christian sister whom I love dearly! You brought tears of joy to my eyes girl. I am so happy for you and your confident realization of who you are in Christ. You really touched me in so many ways & I think your misery is definitely your ministry. Your story and healing could help so many I’m sure! Thanks for being so transparent with me.

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