Holding Tightly to the Cross

Posted: August 13, 2008 in Just Me
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I wish I felt rejuvenated when I wake up but all I feel lately is dread and disappointment that our reality…is just that – “OH SO REAL!” I told my mother today that I’ve been having dreams lately about her and I having these lengthy conversations where she and I just talk our heads off, like we used to do together. Then I realize (still in the dream) that “HEY, WE’RE TALKING, YOU’RE TALKING!” and it’s like something inside of her goes off and her words become harder to verbalize, her speech slows and her face shows the confusion of her mind not able to put into words what’s going on inside of her. Then I wake up and realize “it was just a dream”, she still can’t really talk, not like we used to, nowhere close, even though she tries. I feel such an emptiness without her to talk to and tell everything that I’m going through; I don’t like the almost one sided conversations really. But I do love hearing her laugh as she purposely and with such determination, slowly speaks the words “I……Love……You….too!” You just don’t know how tightly I hold onto those words! Especially right now, with my reality, our reality…but since it’s my blog, I get to call it “mine” for now:) I’m searching the scriptures, reading books, drowning myself in all that has to be done to be ready for Home School by Monday, staying busy around the house, constantly checking emails for possible employment leads but feel like I’m only killing time until the evening hours roll in and with them come the loneliness, the sadness, a blah feeling like it’s such a big world and everyone’s got their own lives, trying to absorb the Olympics as a kind of hope and encouragement….you know, living vicariously through the athletes who have trained and are disciplined, unlike me, even on a normal day! It’s an escape but gradually I end up back to my prayers and Bible, searching for answers, direction, wisdom, and the reality of His arms around me as I try to drift off to sleep with this heavy burden!

Most days I’m very successful at dismissing even the slightest hint of a negative or fearful thought, not allowing it to linger for even a second, yet replacing it with how able and how sovereign, how faithful, how amazing our God is…..how willing, how loving, and how forgiving our God is….see I’ve needed that a lot lately for how I’ve interacted with my children….how I’ve allowed the enemy to have influence in my life and how intolerant I’ve been of my children….thank God that He’s more tolerant of me!

This valley we’re going through, this dark time, it’s hard and it’s one of those yuck things to go through in this life and hearing some one else has it hard too, well….sometimes that just doesn’t bring comfort or peace about what we’re going through. You might call it a pity party but you need to know that unless you’re the one, you can’t really say how you’d react, how trusting and full of faith…..I’m just thankful that God doesn’t give up on me and doesn’t expect me to be strong 24/7 because I can’t! But…..He is and that’s where I go to get it, especially at night when the kids are asleep, my husband is sound asleep and I’m left alone to deal with the reality of our life at night.

I know the promises, I know the scripture, I know my Father and with that knowledge I know we’ll be alright but it’s those nights when I need to feel His presence more than ever. I told a girlfriend the other day that it feels like someone died and the “morning” usually comes at night! (mourning) It’d be so easy for me to run to my Grace girlfriends, safe in their arms, comforted by their hearts for me, and let them rescue me but I’m here and they’re not and this is my life, where God wants me and I can’t let them anyway! This just might be His-Story about me and what He’s going to do in my life! I have to wait on Him and trust Him, through the tears, as I fall on my knees again, submitting to His will for my life! I know, with Him as my guide through this reality, I’ll regain my strength, my spirit will be renewed and He will prove faithful once again!

  1. Kim Darnell says:

    Wow, LeeAnne! I wish I could just give you a great big hug right now! Thanks for sharing your struggle…remember that year you were praying for Scott to find a new job and still remain in Tuscaloosa? Abba is good, and I’m glad you’re able to see that even in the midst of your struggle. Praying for you girl as Abba brings you to mind. I love you and miss you! Wish we could sit down and share a while! 🙂

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