Fairy Tale or Horror Movie?

Posted: June 16, 2008 in Just Me
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I feel like I should be the main character, at times, in one of Stephen King’s horror movies! Wait! Don’t freak out on me, let me explain: Turning 40 was a great time in my life but the years since have been quite a challenge dealing with my “multiple personalities”. I say this in jest but let me add a disclaimer here: I do not believe in mocking people who really have to deal with this real problem. I’m simply borrowing the description to help explain a little of who I’ve become. Now, back to me: For the last couple of years, especially this past year, I have watched myself become someone I can’t stand a few days out of every month. No, it’s not PMS. It’s so different. Out of the blue, when no one expects it, appears the wicked witch of the Hughes’ household! I have become down right mean and evil. I’m not outwardly destructive, physically abusive nor do I use language that God would hate but I do show absolutely no patience, look for fights among my family, push buttons, assume the worst about everyone, jump on everyone for absolutely no reason and defensive – WOAH! I act like the whole world is against me and feel I can’t do anything right! Who is this person? Where did she evolve? How do I send her to the other side of the planet? I finally broke down and went to the Dr. looking for some sort of medical answers to explain away my uncontrollable fits of rage! There must be a name for it! A “good” reason I seem so psychotic and tend to go “from Angel to Witch in 60 seconds or less”! Well…….even if you find it hard to believe, there is a name for it! I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable accepting that or not but like a friend told me, “at least you’ve got a reason now, that would make me feel better!” I have mixed feelings about having a name for it and accepting that this Christian, me, doesn’t have the kind of self control in those areas when God tells me I need to have self control! You know…. when I have to accept something, out of my control, and I’m told that’s just the way it is and you can’t do a thing about it, I get so stubborn and think otherwise! Only to have it slammed right back in my face that “No, YOU don’t have control over this situation!” However, and this is really big: God is the One who is in control! He knows the crazy, outraged individual I become sometimes and He, in His infinite wisdom, has quieted my children at those times, given gentleness to my husband during my episodes, and surrounds me with the love of my family to help me endure those times! The same family who is on the receiving end of my rage and outbursts? They are the same ones who shower me with hugs and so much love that I melt in their presence and I come back to being the person they are praying returns quickly, “pleeeeaaase Dear God!” Don’t think for one minute that it happens as quickly as they, or I, would like but it does happen and I do calm down and realize they were never the reason so I apologize, they forgive and we go on. What a vicious cycle for them to have to go through to tolerate me sometimes. But they’re willing as long as I come back humble and loving! How could I not? This family of mine accepts me with all my faults and my emotional outbursts! What am I teaching my kids? Ooops, did I really go there? Yeah, that’s a big guilt trip I put myself through every time it happens! Then I realized that I’m teaching them that even Mom needs more self control, more humility, more love, more dependence on God, more forgiveness, more acceptance and understanding, and always, more of them in her life! So, for right now, the “angel” is here but when the “wicked witch” returns, and I’m afraid she will, my wonderful blessing of a family will welcome her with loving arms until she “melts away” again into their LeeAnne/wife/mom! I just pray the acceptance, on my end, comes quickly! Probably not!

BTW: if you really want to know the name I spoke of, just ask sometime in private! It’s not blog worthy:)

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