Holding Tightly to the Cross

I wish I felt rejuvenated when I wake up but all I feel lately is dread and disappointment that our reality…is just that - “OH SO REAL!” I told my mother today that I’ve been having dreams lately about her and I having these lengthy conversations where she and I just talk our heads off, like we used to do together. Then I realize (still in the dream) that “HEY, WE’RE TALKING, YOU’RE TALKING!” and it’s like something inside of her goes off and her words become harder to verbalize, her speech slows and her face shows the confusion of her mind not able to put into words what’s going on inside of her. Then I wake up and realize “it was just a dream”, she still can’t really talk, not like we used to, nowhere close, even though she tries. I feel such an emptiness without her to talk to and tell everything that I’m going through; I don’t like the almost one sided conversations really. But I do love hearing her laugh as she purposely and with such determination, slowly speaks the words “I……Love……You….too!” You just don’t know how tightly I hold onto those words! Especially right now, with my reality, our reality…but since it’s my blog, I get to call it “mine” for now I’m searching the scriptures, reading books, drowning myself in all that has to be done to be ready for Home School by Monday, staying busy around the house, constantly checking emails for possible employment leads but feel like I’m only killing time until the evening hours roll in and with them come the loneliness, the sadness, a blah feeling like it’s such a big world and everyone’s got their own lives, trying to absorb the Olympics as a kind of hope and encouragement….you know, living vicariously through the athletes who have trained and are disciplined, unlike me, even on a normal day! It’s an escape but gradually I end up back to my prayers and Bible, searching for answers, direction, wisdom, and the reality of His arms around me as I try to drift off to sleep with this heavy burden!

Most days I’m very successful at dismissing even the slightest hint of a negative or fearful thought, not allowing it to linger for even a second, yet replacing it with how able and how sovereign, how faithful, how amazing our God is…..how willing, how loving, and how forgiving our God is….see I’ve needed that a lot lately for how I’ve interacted with my children….how I’ve allowed the enemy to have influence in my life and how intolerant I’ve been of my children….thank God that He’s more tolerant of me!

This valley we’re going through, this dark time, it’s hard and it’s one of those yuck things to go through in this life and hearing some one else has it hard too, well….sometimes that just doesn’t bring comfort or peace about what we’re going through. You might call it a pity party but you need to know that unless you’re the one, you can’t really say how you’d react, how trusting and full of faith…..I’m just thankful that God doesn’t give up on me and doesn’t expect me to be strong 24/7 because I can’t! But…..He is and that’s where I go to get it, especially at night when the kids are asleep, my husband is sound asleep and I’m left alone to deal with the reality of our life at night.

I know the promises, I know the scripture, I know my Father and with that knowledge I know we’ll be alright but it’s those nights when I need to feel His presence more than ever. I told a girlfriend the other day that it feels like someone died and the “morning” usually comes at night! (mourning) It’d be so easy for me to run to my Grace girlfriends, safe in their arms, comforted by their hearts for me, and let them rescue me but I’m here and they’re not and this is my life, where God wants me and I can’t let them anyway! This just might be His-Story about me and what He’s going to do in my life! I have to wait on Him and trust Him, through the tears, as I fall on my knees again, submitting to His will for my life! I know, with Him as my guide through this reality, I’ll regain my strength, my spirit will be renewed and He will prove faithful once again!

“I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain…”

Ever heard of the Scottish author and preacher: George Matheson (1842-1906)? Well, I hadn’t either until today. We visited a different church today, actually right here in our own little town and the preacher had written a letter on the back of their calendar handout. I didn’t read it till I got home. He referred to an author and his quote. It fit our situation so well! Matheson was blind but he expressed in his prayer: “I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my ‘thorn’…Teach me the glory of my cross; teach me the value of my ‘thorn.’ Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow.” He (the preacher) continued his letter with the following: “I don’t need to say it, but what a wonderful and matchless and loving God we have. No matter how much we falter and stumble in our praying, the fact is He hears us. His heart of infinite love responds to the needs and emotions of our own inarticulate heart. So keep on praying! In these days of uncertainty and chaotic circumstances in which we find ourselves in so many times, let me encourage you to work as though everything depended on you, and pray as though everything depended on God. And by the way it does. Let’s pray as never before, that we will see the hand of God in all that we do as His people…..” Needless to say, I was touched, convicted and reassured! July was an absolutely awful month for us and just when we thought we were on the upward end of it all, Crash!!!! Life throws us another “bullet to dodge!!!” Some moments are harder to continue the climb, some of this pain feels like more than we can bear, but we have a God who loves us, prayer to stay connected to Him and His promises to hold to tightly……Thank God He holds us in His arms of love, especially right now, because otherwise we would fall hard! Still counting our blessings and trusting in His heart for us! Please don’t let our reality bring you down but be encouraged by this message and by the proof of His love for us as His children! He will bring us through! (thanks again to so many of our precious friends and family who are holding our hands and hearts as we continue to “climb”)

The Lord Hears

He brings comfort because He does hear!

Life isn’t always easy for a Christian either but we don’t have to bear it all alone! Even if friends and family seem far away, God is always present and always hears the cries of His children! I am so thankful for His faithfulness, love and presence!

Trust and Obey

Dear God, I’m coming to you with a lot tonight but I know you tell me to give it all to you..so….here goes: Scott fell off a ladder, he’s scared, he’s anxious, he’s in extreme pain and he wants to trust you completely. This is so hard for him because he’s used to being the one to take care of us, not the other way around, and now even I can’t take care of this one! See, as you know, we don’t have insurance, his work is not the type that he’s allowed vacations nor sick days so…if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid! You tell us to trust You, to put it all on your shoulders and not take it back. I’m tired, emotionally drained from dealing with our so called discount program for medical, we’re facing another Dr. visit tomorrow at the Ortho who will determine his immediate and distant future so….it’s all in Your very capable hands. I’m fighting the tears. I’m trying to be strong and place all my hope, trust and faith in You! I know you’re so much bigger than all of this! I know you’ve always taken care of our needs and you’ll provide for us this time too! I pray for our interaction between each other also Lord. It’d be easy to take this out on each other and get huffy with each other, which neither of us want! The pain pills and muscle relaxers are helping some, that’s great! His outlook goes from terrified to calm depending on the minute we’re going through. I also pray for strength, patience to deal with my very helpful children. I need to feel your arms of love holding me up and keeping me tolerant. I look forward to seeing how You will carry us through this one God. It seems we were just here, but it was back in 1994, he got injured, was out of work for months, we ended up financially in a big hole we thought we’d never get out of, no insurance since new jobs, ended up selling everything to start over and it took many years to get back on our feet. You sustained us then and You will now, I know this! We’re claiming all of Your promises and we’re not taking it back God. It’s Yours! Thank You for what You’re going to do and how You’re going to take care of us AGAIN-STILL! Ok, so the tears did come but they’re tears of trust and faith-relief! We love You! In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Update: 7/2/08 Scott found out from the Ortho that he’ll be out of work for at least 2 weeks. No work=no pay. We’re filing with short term disability but that will take time. I may need to try to find something temporary with Kelly services which I don’t really know how I feel about that, right now I feel numb. Just trying to keep the faith and trust completely. No other options at this point. He did end up breaking his toe on this last fall so it’s in a boot, toe is in a splint and he’s on muscle relaxers and pain pills. His family comes tomorrow. I hope I can fake it for them. My headaches are coming back. I know I need to let go and let God! I’m trying! I re-thought that statement, I know I don’t have to fake it with them, they love me as I am! They understand as do so many other friends and family that are lending their prayers and support right now and always! I am so blessed to have them and to have Scott! I’d be so lost without him! We have 2 pages of scripture, front and back, that we’re each claiming personally, off and on throughout the day so that we continue to trust and FROG-Fully Rely On God! What a difference a matter of minutes make with moods, huh? But then I never said I wasn’t moody! That’s one of my least favorite traits about myself. We’re good right now!

July 9th - trying to deal with everyday life, one obstacle at a time…let’s see, mentally/physically/emotionally challenged LeeAnne backed the car up and over a pile of rocks and got it stuck, the A/C went out upstairs, the fax machine had to run out of cartridge/ribbon at just the time we were expecting an important Dr.’s fax, the printer ink went out when I needed to scan a receipt to get reimbursed for medical stuff, the new spark plugs did not fix the riding mower, the list continues….but…..2 1/2 hours after digging through tons of rock, crying out to God for more strength, rotating to various uncomfortable positions on the hot rocks, I managed to see the light through to the other side and clear enough rocks from the heap to shove a 2×4 underneath and drive off the heap of rocks. Fortunately, I did not puncture nor damage anything under the car-Thank God!!! After numerous attempts to start the push mower, mow about 5 rows at a time, and only about 10 bags full of grass I managed to mow part of the backyard, which only took about 3 hours. The rain keeps coming and the grass keeps soaring toward the heavens. The past few days I haven’t slept well but the entire family had taken to the living room, the only room with A/C, where each person with their pallet or futon allowed us to grab a little sleep. Thank God for a living room big enough for all of us to sleep! Body parts I forgot I had are hurting and my mind is going, remember the back up over the rocks? I couldn’t tell you how many times I made that trip without coming anywhere near that pile of rocks. The exhaustion has finally caught up with me to the point of emotional outbursts left and right. I knew my wonderful and amazing hubby did a lot but I had no idea how much until I tried to be me and him all in one incompetent body! However, my sweet “mother-in-love” (as Barbara Johnson, the author, is known) and perfectly describes mine too, brought me a copy of a very special testimony of a very dear friend from our previous church. I had to run errands today so I took Teresa’s testimony with me. I bawled my eyes out, felt relieved, felt strengthened, out of control, just every emotion you can imagine while listening to her heart felt experience and where it took her! See…she’s survived cancer and I have the nerve to wah, wah over this petty stuff! Yeah, it is a big deal to me because it is my reality lately! I loved how she kept going back to the song by our praise team: “Wait upon the Lord, strength will come when you wait upon the Lord!” You wouldn’t believe how many times the past few days, I’ve prayed those simple yet total surrender filled words: “God, give me strength!” (especially while digging through those rocks) Guess what? Last night, lying on my living room mattress, reading my Bible, listening to my sweet family snore and slumber, I felt such a peace and finally drifted off to sleep. This morning I woke up several times but each time I felt more and more rested than the time before! It was amazing! I got more and more excited each time I woke up. It was kind of weird, actually. I’m glad no one was witnessing my giddy-ness. It was like I looked forward to rolling over for even more because with each little nap, I knew I’d be even more renewed than the last time. I was getting wowed by what God was doing right then! Strength did come and just in time. I had to go to Conway today, about an hour away and needed much sleep to make the trip, in the heavy downpour, attend a class and then drive back home this evening. I did it, well, we did it-me and God! Know what? The a/c still doesn’t work and the lawn is even higher, we’ll all sleep in the living room again tonight but we’re smiling, hugging, and thanking God for holding us in His capable arms and most importantly: we’re waiting on the Lord! His timing isn’t ours right now but……it’s always best! Can’t wait to be on the other side looking back!

7/16/08:    Scott was released today to return to work again! Thank God! Basically the ortho said to try it and see, but he thinks it should be alright as long as Scott puts the boot back on if he needs to, otherwise, take Ibuprofen.  (which hasn’t helped at all in the past with pain) We’ll see how that part goes.  He still has some pain but he’s to do some exercises with his right ankle to get more mobility back into it but the x-rays looked good today! The swelling is almost all the way gone! He will probably head out on Sunday so he still has a few more days to recuperate more! The main reason it took so long was because of it being an impact sprain (his entire weight came down on that ankle) and torn ligaments plus the swelling. The broken toe part isn’t really hurting him since he had also broke that same toe in the past so this most recent break (the ladder fall) isn’t really urgent. He has a very high tolerance for pain. So now we’re trusting God to provide for all the priorities and we’re just not trying to add any extras, if ya know what I mean. Thanks again for your prayers and faithfulness!

Desiring To Be Closer to God

This summer I’m determined to do a few things that are long overdue: right up front is my desire to grow closer to God through His Word, search for answers, find Biblical reasons why I believe the way I do, along with a few things with the kids: teach them to cook certain favorite recipes, review safety precautions, fire drills, teach Kristin to ride Zach’s bike, work on specific physical talents with them outside and have fun with my kids - like we did the other day on the waterslide! That was great! I also plan to spend lots of time just talking with my hubby and getting to know more of who he is and why. Trust me, that’s a good thing too!

So……the verse in James that keeps me focused on my -”right up front” goal - is in chapter 1 and it’s verse 22. I needed a verse to grab ahold of me, shake me gently and make me do what He says! In June, after the end of school anyway: I started reading various books and they’ve been helping me to draw so much closer to my Abba. I’ve read: “He Chose the Nails” by Max Lucado, “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis, re-read “How to Listen to God” and had to add a humorous one, which I’m still reading: “The Best of Barbara Johnson” - you know, the lady with the Geranium in her hat? I love her but It’s hard to read all the tragedies she’s survived, but wait! She’s survived them so there is a great reason to read them too. Her attitude is all about how God wants us to react to life! We had home church this past Sunday….achey bones, no sleep and determination to stay in the word as a family….we discussed the symbolism of the “veil being torn from top to bottom” and how much that allows us to have 24/7 access to God! I tear up, you know - cry like a baby, everytime I think of how “the cruelty of man was actually the sovereignty of God”. See, we are welcome to enter into God’s presence - any day, any time! He’s removed the barrier - the curtain = our sin! The message of the torn flesh is: YOU ARE WELCOME! The curtain is down! Praise God! Remember the song by Kutless: “Take Me In” ……it’s all about being able to enter God’s presence! I know I’ll never listen to that song the same way again after experiencing Sunday with my family and what it meant to each one of us! I love how the cross…”an instrument of execution”… is the “universal symbol of Christianity” and how that “tool of torture”…has come to “embody a movement of hope”! God’s love reaches out, wide and knows no limits. He desires to have a relationship with us! The “cross is where God forgave His children without lowering his standards”. 2 Cor. 5:21 There’s so much I”ve been reminded, showed for the 1st time and just soaked in as I determine to practice living in His presence and act on my desire to be closer to God! It’s not about feelings and experiences, it’s about knowing He loves me and wants to spend time with me! That has to put a big, silly grin on your face, it did Me!!! My heart has never been more open nor my desire been more real than right now! I need this and I know Satan is spittin’ nails, Ha!Ha! Gotta love that part! He’ll try to deter me and influence me with lies so I ask you, as my friends, to pray that I’m covered with His blood, kept safe from outside influences, since I’m so open right now and for wisdom so that I can discern what’s right and wrong. Pray that I am able to listen but more so, that I obey Him. I am so excited to see where He takes me. I also desire to give an answer to my kids when they question me about my faith, my beliefs and have a solid foundation in His Word! THIS is what’s important to me - in my life - right now! It’s about time girl! Get ready for the ride!

Several quotes taken from the book: “He Chose the Nails” by Max Lucado

Scars

I remember reading one time, long ago, about a woman who swore she’d never even consider plastic surgery. Someone younger and “more beautiful” suggested she “do something” about all the scars that covered her body. She simply looked up into that little, naive face and smiled the sweetest smile as she proceeded to explain how each scar represented a time in her life that she didn’t wish to forget. She explained how if she had them removed, she was afraid she’d forget. “For instance”, she began, “this one scar here on my hand….” I think it was when she was putting a bike together for one of the kids as a Christmas surprise and the screwdriver slipped causing a big gouge in her hand. But the smile on that child the next morning took all the pain away. Another scar she cherished was the one on her ankle when she was playing with the kids at the lake and slipped on a broken tree trunk. The laughter that weekend made that pain bearable. I may not recall every scar she remembered but I especially remember the one on her stomach, you know those horrid stretch marks! Those were very special to her because those would remind her, no matter how old her children were, of the love and the sacrifice she was so willing to give in order to bring her babies into this world! There were many more scars on that precious lady and some had to do with lessons learned, chances taken, her children, her husband, the list goes on….but she was content wearing the scars of her life because they would be a reminder to her that she had lived and loved! My daughter likes to show me her scars sometimes and tell me their stories too. She’s remembering her life, even as short as it’s been. She’s only 7. But already, she remembers them with fondness. I think that’s pretty neat because she feels so blessed! Especially now, having just completed Max Lucado’s “He Chose the Nails”, I can’t help but think of Some One else’s scars that help me to remember…..I remember His love, His sacrifice, His pain, His willingness to suffer and wear the scars….. just for me! So, I’m going to look at my scars and remember that this body is only temporary and the real scars that matter are the ones my King had inflicted on Him so that one day I wouldn’t have my “scars”! When God looks at me, He doesn’t see my “scars”! He sees a precious jewel! That’s so amazing to me!!!!!

Fairy Tale or Horror Movie?

I feel like I should be the main character, at times, in one of Stephen King’s horror movies! Wait! Don’t freak out on me, let me explain: Turning 40 was a great time in my life but the years since have been quite a challenge dealing with my “multiple personalities”. I say this in jest but let me add a disclaimer here: I do not believe in mocking people who really have to deal with this real problem. I’m simply borrowing the description to help explain a little of who I’ve become. Now, back to me: For the last couple of years, especially this past year, I have watched myself become someone I can’t stand a few days out of every month. No, it’s not PMS. It’s so different. Out of the blue, when no one expects it, appears the wicked witch of the Hughes’ household! I have become down right mean and evil. I’m not outwardly destructive, physically abusive nor do I use language that God would hate but I do show absolutely no patience, look for fights among my family, push buttons, assume the worst about everyone, jump on everyone for absolutely no reason and defensive - WOAH! I act like the whole world is against me and feel I can’t do anything right! Who is this person? Where did she evolve? How do I send her to the other side of the planet? I finally broke down and went to the Dr. looking for some sort of medical answers to explain away my uncontrollable fits of rage! There must be a name for it! A “good” reason I seem so psychotic and tend to go “from Angel to Witch in 60 seconds or less”! Well…….even if you find it hard to believe, there is a name for it! I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable accepting that or not but like a friend told me, “at least you’ve got a reason now, that would make me feel better!” I have mixed feelings about having a name for it and accepting that this Christian, me, doesn’t have the kind of self control in those areas when God tells me I need to have self control! You know…. when I have to accept something, out of my control, and I’m told that’s just the way it is and you can’t do a thing about it, I get so stubborn and think otherwise! Only to have it slammed right back in my face that “No, YOU don’t have control over this situation!” However, and this is really big: God is the One who is in control! He knows the crazy, outraged individual I become sometimes and He, in His infinite wisdom, has quieted my children at those times, given gentleness to my husband during my episodes, and surrounds me with the love of my family to help me endure those times! The same family who is on the receiving end of my rage and outbursts? They are the same ones who shower me with hugs and so much love that I melt in their presence and I come back to being the person they are praying returns quickly, “pleeeeaaase Dear God!” Don’t think for one minute that it happens as quickly as they, or I, would like but it does happen and I do calm down and realize they were never the reason so I apologize, they forgive and we go on. What a vicious cycle for them to have to go through to tolerate me sometimes. But they’re willing as long as I come back humble and loving! How could I not? This family of mine accepts me with all my faults and my emotional outbursts! What am I teaching my kids? Ooops, did I really go there? Yeah, that’s a big guilt trip I put myself through every time it happens! Then I realized that I’m teaching them that even Mom needs more self control, more humility, more love, more dependence on God, more forgiveness, more acceptance and understanding, and always, more of them in her life! So, for right now, the “angel” is here but when the “wicked witch” returns, and I’m afraid she will, my wonderful blessing of a family will welcome her with loving arms until she “melts away” again into their LeeAnne/wife/mom! I just pray the acceptance, on my end, comes quickly! Probably not!

BTW: if you really want to know the name I spoke of, just ask sometime in private! It’s not blog worthy

Mom needs a hug!

You know I probably should not be blogging in my present state of mind because you are really going to get a big taste of who I can be when I’m at the end of my rope! No, not everything ends happily ever after in my days either! Yes, I scream, rant and rave too! I really didn’t think I’d do it today though! I had such a grip on every emergency I handled today! Do you hear all the “I’s” going on here? I knew God was holding me up and I knew He was in control all day but I’d finally had all I thought I could take! It didn’t matter to me that He knew what I could and couldn’t handle. I finally broke! After dealing with a plumbing problem, A/C problem, ceiling leak, bad storm full of golf ball sized hail, lots of strong winds tearing up our yard, hearing about a friends’ sister having a heart attack, my poor son having his foot doused with acid and now he’s in extreme pain that I can do nothing about, (the foot Dr. did it, not me), spilling (not just once but twice), drinks of sticky diet pepsi in the worst places to clean in the office, once in the file cabinet, spending an hour online trying to find the best bargains on a web site and then placing the order only to have it disappear, need I say more? Oh, by the way, Scott’s out of town right now too. I am so spent! The rage serged out of me in full force as I proceeded to beat up the file cabinet while all the time screaming at God questioning why I can’t get a break today? On the other hand - Knowing good and well that we did get home & inside just in time to be safe from the hail, knowing that we didn’t suffer any damage from that storm, knowing that we don’t have to have the whole A/C unit replaced, knowing that the lady with the heart attack is going home tomorrow, knowing that my kids were there for me with lots of hugs and encouragement, knowing that I got a phone call-message-from a great AL friend of mine whom I haven’t talked to in ages, knowing that I sold some hot sauce to the plumber without even trying, knowing that tonight I don’t have to sleep on the couch to have A/C, knowing that I never let any of the first part of my day get to me….a-ha! maybe that’s the problem, I didn’t even try to acknowledge that it did bother me! I was just going with the flow but the flow was gradually getting under my skin and I just exploded! I can only be so positive during a day like mine was today, so - here’s for transparency! I’m so wiped out from all of it! Let me just admit here and now that I even heard myself tell my poor son that “right now I don’t have the energy and I can’t be sympathetic to your pain, you’ll have to go in the living room until I get done with my drama, I’m sorry!” The nice thing was that he understood and he loved on me in spite of his pain! Boy! What a slap in the face about selflessness, sensitivity and family! I guess… no… ok… I know, God did know just what I needed right that instant. But I’m still not ready to thank Him for my day full of stuff yet!
It’ll come, it always does but I had to vent. I had to dehumanize my body of these ever so human feelings of defeat! The emotions finally just overwhelmed my entire being! I think I’m going to sleep better tonight though because it’s all out, there’s nothing left to keep me awake! Ok, so maybe it did end “happily ever after” but that’s only because it’s “out of my control!” Thank God it’s in His!

(dedicated to my friends and family who have bad days too!)

It’s Ok Mom, I’m Growing Up

Where do I start about this one? Wow! As most of you know: my “baby” turned 11 recently and it was a huge event for both of us but for different reasons! I dreaded it like crazy! My kids know - out loud - how much I don’t like the idea of them getting older. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I’m losing certain controls over them and their decisions or if it’s because it means they’re getting closer to not needing me but: “I DON’T LIKE IT ONE BIT!” Now, having said that, you have to continue reading because I get a huge wakeup call from God! I realized that my son’s 11th birthday was actually the most relaxed birthday and easiest birthday I’ve ever given! Can you believe it? See, God did a real number on me (excuse the human terminology) and He reminded me ever so gently that:

#1. He only loaned our kids to us.

#2. He is watching over them.

#3. He loves them more than I do.

Psalm 127:3 (NIV) Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.

#4. He knows what’s best for them.

Mark 10:16 And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

#5. It’s ok for me to “let go of them” to a certain extent (they are still in my care).

#6. We’ve taught them according to His Word so it’s up to them to make the right choices.

“But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” (2 Timothy 3:14-15 ESV)

Can you only imagine the peace that I felt all day? Even in the midst of 3 boys and 2 girls all over the place during the party, I was calm and lovin’ every minute of it! Only God can do that, believe me! He also gave me a bonus and provided a way for one of my girlfriends to spend some time with me during some of the party. We actually even got to talk and catch up some. That was awesome! See, He knew exactly what I needed and how to go about it! He’s so amazing! I just love Him so much and am so thankful that He’s brought me to this place of acceptance and trust in Him! Oh….I can’t forget…we even had a ceiling leak in the midst of it all but guess who took great care of it for us? Yeah, that would be God again!

I want to leave you with a verse that came to mind during this blog that says it all:

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

—Isaiah 26:3-4

Can You Hear Me Now?

I can look back now to the past few weeks when I felt so yuck and even wondered, at times, when I would ever be well again. What a wimp! I’m really embarrassed at how much I let it all bother me when there are so many other people out there really suffering! But in the midst of it all, I did feel so frustrated and I have to admit there were times I found myself begging God to hear me. (like He wasn’t) Yesterday, at church, I heard the perfect sermon for my attitude: “Can You Hear Me Now?” It would be so easy for me to reiterate every single point Dr. Davis covered because I was actually taking notes so I wouldn’t forget. There were so many times that David cried out to God and even asked if He was there. Psalms 13 I was reminded: God knows we’re hurting! We plead as if our ways are above His! We have to ask for the wisdom to understand His answer and know that His timing’s always perfect! Then, finally, we conclude: “I’m trusting”…that’s when we manage to get our eyes off of our problem and back on God! Hebrews 11:13: “It takes more faith to trust God when you don’t get what you ask for then when you do.” Remember C.S. Lewis’ words: “If you can’t trace His hand, you can trust His heart!” This is so true and comforting to me!

In addition to such a perfect sermon and feeling as if God was allowing all the sickness and downtime to happen to me because it just had to be His way of speaking to just me about something very important: I had also started reading, for the billionth time: “How to Listen to God” by Charles Stanley. No, there was no great revelation but I was enlightened about something I needed reminded of again…..and….if it got me to searching for answers by way of His Word and the spiritual leaders in my life then it was worth it! I say this half-heartedly still because I am still waiting to truthfully feel it in my heart. A friend of mine told me that it’s hard for moms to be sick and we’re pretty much “not allowed”… so she really felt for me, being a mom herself and knowing how life seems to continue in spite of our weaknesses! I guess I wanted some pampering and you know what? I actually did get some - it was sooo nice! It’s ok to want to babied some times! I hated every part of feeling less than myself and it lingered longer than I wanted but….my family and friends showed me so much of their hearts during this weird time and I also had to accept, once again, that His timing was better than mine-AGAIN! He never left me, He heard my pleas for some relief and He knew just what I needed! Now, if I can just remember that without having to go through it a bunch more times… but I doubt it, I tend to be somewhat stubborn! I’m so thankful He is always accessible & cares for all my weird little details that seem so big to me!